Folklore
Dabneeg

Overview
There are three basic paths to marriage: the formal marriage request the groom's family; the voluntary elopement, and the bride abduction or kidnapping. Most Hmong choose the first option because it brings the most benefits such as joy, peace and happiness to both of families and brings a sense of having fulfilled one’s communal responsibilities. Sometimes, forced marriages are necessary if a young woman becomes pregnant, which can result in difficult and delicate negotiations.

Voluntary elopement or bride abduction are typically not chosen as marriage arrangements because most Hmong find these methods inappropriate and disrespectful. Yet some still chose these paths because they cannot afford the Bride Price, or because there are personal or family issues that make it difficult to get parents or family members to accept a marriage relationship.

One of the great concerns about elopement and abduction is that often the young women who embark on these alternative marriage path are either under the legal marriage age—many are still in high school—or are not fully developed socially and emotionally. (For an interesting perspective, see http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2006/03/20/hmongmarriage/)

Polygamy are also practiced, but remains controversial within many Hmong families who reject the practice, particularly since arriving in the United States. Also controversial, though not common in the United States, is the practice of levirate, or compulsory marriage of a widow to her deceased husband’s younger brother.

Forced Marriage
Some situations may force a Hmong man and woman to get married and therefore change the dynamics of the traditional Bride Price negotiation and potentially impact family and clan relations. For example, if the woman gets pregnant during the courtship, and her family discovers the pregnancy, the bride’s family generally (but not always) takes the initiative to approach the groom’s family with this knowledge and demand a marriage negotiation immediately. Upon proof of the pregnancy, the groom’s family will likely acquiesce, even if requires a higher Bride Price to compensate for the perceived bad behavior of the groom. If the groom’s family does not acquiesce, the risks are great: losing a relationship with a potential family heir.

Even if the family agrees to marriage, the wedding and the subsequent family relationship could be damaged by bitterness, thus jeopardizing future clan relationships. Nevertheless, in this scenario, the groom’s family, especially parents, older married brothers, and male relatives would likely do everything in their own power to convince the groom to accept marriage. From the view of his family and clan, even a “shotgun” marriage would be better socially and emotionally for the groom and his family. His willing acceptance might also prevent unnecessary deterioration of relations
between the families and clans.

Voluntary Elopement
Parents’ refusal or disagreement to allow their daughters to marry the men of their choice does occur in Hmong American households on occasion. If a courting couple wishes to get married, but the girl’s parents will not accept her nuptial choice, she may choose to elope with her future husband and move into his parents’ home. Also, some young women threaten this path to escape pressure from parents or family to marry men that they dislike.

Most Hmong parents understand the importance of successful marriage and value personal freedom of choice; thus, they generally do not force their daughters to marry men whom they truly do not wish to marry. In the minds of Hmong parents, forced marriages often result in unhappy married lives and divorces later down the road.

But even elopement, while not preferred , is not so traumatic that a good marriage and good family and clan relationships cannot emerge afterwards. No matter the circumstances, after the elopement, the groom’s parents must choose and dispatch two messengers to the bride’s family to officially announce that she left voluntarily with the groom to marry him. The announcement must also be clear that the groom wished to marry the bride. Upon this announcement, the bride’s parents would formally accept the marriage. At this point, the newly wedded couple would be sequestered in the home of the groom’s family for three days. On the third day, the groom’s family would then host a welcoming ceremony for the groom’s extended family and clan. On the fourth day, the groom’s male relatives and family representatives (mej koob) would approach the bride’s parents and begin a formal marriage negotiation over bride-price, dowry and the payment of the wedding ceremony. Following a successful negotiation, the wedding ceremony would proceed as in a normal marriage. The majority of voluntary elopements end in successful marriage. Unfortunately, some circumstances preclude normal marriage relationships whether because the girl is simply too young or because the bride’s parents or male reltaives simply find the young man objectionable.

Bride Abduction or Kidnapping
One alternative form of marriage still practiced in Hmong society is bride abduction or kidnapping. This process involves the abduction of a female by the prospective husband without her personal consent or her family’s approval. The bride kidnapping typically takes place while the girl is away from her home or alone by herself. To carry out the deed, the prospective husband usually receives assistance or support from a group of close male relatives or friends. Upon bringing the kidnapped woman to his family’s home, the man’s parents are obligated to send two messengers to inform her parents of the abduction and relay his intention to marry her. When the girl’s parents receive the news, they have two options. First, if they do not find the man or his family suitable, they may go to the abductor’s family house and demand the release of their daughter. Second, the family can accept the abduction and the subsequent marriage. This is more likely if they learn that the would-be husband is a good person and that the family is suitable.

As with a forced marriage due to pregnancy, the marriage negotiations would intensify if a baby were involved and could lead to the souring of family and clan relations. In extreme cases, the Hmong community may direct a clan leader to act as a go-between to resolve the matter. And as with voluntary elopement, a bride abduction can lead to a negotiated marriage that, if acceptable to both families, would bar any future bitterness or disputes, allowing the couple’s married life to proceed as if it were conceived in the traditional manner.