Hmong
Courtship & Weddings - Courtship
Traditionally, in the highlands of Laos, isolated in their
respective villages, Hmong young men and young women had limited
opportunities for courtship. This had to do in part with the geographic
separation of Hmong villages tand the heavy demands of daily labor,
combined with the prohibition against marrying within one’s own clan.
Special events such as the New Year celebration, which brought together
clans for community celebration, was seen as the perfect opportunity to
meet a potential mate. Encouragement of courtship games and rituals
became an important part of New Year celebrations and made the annual
gathering all the more anticipated. The traditional method for
encouraging positive courtship is a ritual game known as pov pob or
“Ball Toss.” The rules are simple. Unmarried male adolescents and young
adults stand next to each other about shoulder width apart while the
young women do the same opposite the men. Pairs of young women and men
then begin to toss a soft cloth ball back and forth. Only one hand can
be used to catch the ball. If the ball is dropped, then the girl or boy
who dropped the ball must give a piece of jewelry or an ornament from
their New Year costume to their partner. In order for the girl or boy to
retrieve their belongings, the person must sing a love song (kwv txhiaj)
to their partner. Partners are encouraged to switch frequently so that
multiple pairings have a chance to play the game and get to know one
another. Pov pob offers a safe, fun, and uncomplicated way for young men
and women meet and socialize. Traditionally, young couples who become
interested in one another through the ball tossing game might make
arrangements for the young man to visit the young woman at her house. If
granted permission by her parents, the young man would come to her home,
playing a flute to announce his arrival. A courtship under the watchful
eye of the girl’s parents might ensue. Traditionally, parents had
significant say in whether a young man was appropriate for their
daughter
VIDEO I Hmong ball tossing game in Laos.
VIDEO II Hmong ball tossing game in the United States.
 In
Laos, the courtship consists of a brief period of social contact between
young men and women, typically in the young woman’s home. During these
visits the daughter’s family can decide whether the match is appropriate
and give their approval, or if deemed inauspicious, pressure the couple
to end the relationship. Often, marriages were “arranged” by parents
between daughters and suitors that were considered appropriate.
This ideal was not always followed. Sometimes young men and young women
formed secret attachments, whether the parents approved or not. Young
men often visited young women at night and soflty play notes on a reed
instrument or mouth harp—sometimes literally fashioned out of grass—that
would signal the suitors presence through the thin bamboo walls of the
home. Secret rendezvous might ensue and lovers’ promises made. Though
not openly condoned, these liaisons were tolerated and sometimes tacitly
accepted as long as they were kept out of public view. It is important
tremember that the principle of courtship and marriage was (and still
is) considered much more than relationship between two individuals. It
serves as a link between families and clans as one literally gives their
offspring (the female) to the other family and clan. Though she becomes
part of the groom’s family and answers to them, she produces heirs that
benefit both clans and solidify social bonds.
The prospective partners were usually relatively young. In Laos,
courtship could begin any time after a young woman had menstruated---so
as early as age 13 or 14. More important was that the young woman be
reasonably prepared to become a good care-giver to her future husband
and in-laws, as well as a good mother to her future children. In Laos,
the typical age at marriage was fourteen for a young woman and around
eighteen for a young man.
In the case where a young man has not made a decision on a perspective
wife, his father, older brothers, male relatives and clan leaders could
assist him by looking for the “suitable” girls and help him in the
decision. For Hmong American young men, the reliance on family to aid in
courtship is disappearing. While parents of second and third generation
Hmong immigrants have tried to influence the marriage selection process,
younger generation Hmong are becoming more independent minded about whom
they will marry.
Similarly, courtship for Hmong young adults in America is changing
rapidly. The days of finding one’s husband and wife at a ball toss
ceremony are swiftly fading, as Hmong youth are adopting American
cultural norms and practices. This is not unexpected and leads to
predictable struggles between the old and new ways and clashes along
generational lines.
Changing social circumstances and milieus contribute to changing
attitudes about courtship. For example, it is much more difficult to
keep young people apart when they see each other every day at school and
work outside of the home. The younger generation can more easily escape
the watchful eyes of concerned parents.
This is not to say that the traditions are forgotten. There is still
tremendous pressure on youth, particularly young women, to prepare for a
traditional courtship and marriage. Many Hmong mothers still encourage
their daughters to learn traditional skills, including cooking, sewing,
and care for younger siblings. But these tasks often compete with school
work and extracurricular activities. Expectations are changing in as
many young women are being encouraged to postpone early marriage to
attend college. In a twist on the tradition of “bride price,” educated
women who have potential earning power are often seen as ideal mates for
young men in terms of bringing both honor and desired skills to the
groom and his family.
Hmong parents today, as of old, still generally demand high standards
for their youth, particularly when it comes to dating and courtship.
Traditionally, premarital sex was strictly prohibited—particularly for a
young woman—because perceptions of a daughter’s promiscuous behavior
would bring shame and “loss of face” to her and her parents, family, and
clan. If pre-marital sex was discovered, it was often agreed that
marriage would immediately ensue. These strong sentiments about
appropriate behavior persist in Hmong culture in the United States.
However, even these standards are loosening, in part because of evolving
beliefs about men’s and women’s roles generally in family and society.
It is impossible to pin down one coherent set of cultural norms and
values that express the range of ways and means of Hmong courtship
rituals in the United States. With multi-generational Hmong American
families living side-by-side with newer immigrants, old ways and new are
inevitably mixed. The challenges for Hmong youth can be difficult--even
overwhelming--at times as Hmong young men and women navigate between the
traditions taught in the home and dominant cultural norms encountered
every day outside of the home. Not surprisingly, more and more the
choices of youth with regard to courtship and marriage reflect a
comingling of two worlds.
New ways of meeting potential mates, American-style dating, changing
rules of dress and physical intimacy may still lead to traditional
wedding ceremonies and concepts of marriage. But even this statement is
too narrow to describe the rich tapestry of variance in Hmong American
courtship today.
 Not
surprisingly, some Hmong young men and women find that they do not have
clear answers about appropriate ways to approach courtship. The
following online post by a Hmong young man at Hmoob.com illustrates the
dilemma:
Where does everyone see the future of Hmong courtship and dating? I
mean it's hard to meet people at New Years and Hmong parties these days.
There is less and less of them each year. And less and less people are
attending these events. I was at the Fresno New Year this pass year and
it looked pretty dead. Even the Hmong parties were dead. No more Hmong
bands like Paradis or White Shadow parties. Just DJ, Techno music with a
bunch of kids jumping around. How is a person suppose to meet a girl at
these events and at least have a little conversation with her?
Beyond the heartfelt concern expressed here and increasingly faced by
young Hmong people today, what is insightful about this statement is
what is not said. That for all the changes taking place within Hmong
culture in the United States, there remains a strong presumption that
Hmong young men and women are to date and marry other Hmong young men
and women. While this too is changing, the Hmong traditions of courtship
and dating remain a powerful influence on the lives of many Hmong living
in the United States today.
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